Can Spielman Save the Sinking Ship ?……..God Himself Knows

The Scene…..December 16, 2013
Spielman and the entire coaching staff aboard Zigi Wilf”s private jet, somewhere 35,ooo feet (564,879,340 centipedes) above the Mojave desert…..

(Zigi)….” Well,as you know, I wasn’t able to see the Eagles game because I was busy in Barbados doing some money laund….er, investing”.
Rick, you did your job. I gave you carte blanche to sign the best QB available and you signed God Himself. Well done”.
(Musgrave, ‘thinking’)…”Carte blanche….carte blanche,….I think that’s French for ‘cul-de-sac’ “.

(Zigi)….” So just how do you lose 67-28 to the Eagles with God Himself throwing the damn ball” ?
(Frazier)…”Mr. Wilf, God Himself threw for 4- 80 yd TDs bombs on our first 4 possessions”.
(Musgrave, chuckling)….”He liked to call them ‘Hail Marys, Mr Wilf”!!

(Mr. Wilf then has Mr. Musgrave tossed from the plane, causing high-5’s among the remaining staff).

(Zigi)….”Well, Mr. Williams…..I’m waiting……..”

By novascotiavike

107 comments on “Can Spielman Save the Sinking Ship ?……..God Himself Knows

  1. Note…the previous ‘chapters can be found in the preceding blog….

    (DC Williams)…”We had them Mr.Wilf, I swear !!! But every time we would score,they kept burning Josh Robinson for MASSIVE amounts of yardage and then score”.
    (Zigi)….”Your turn, coach Frazier”.

    (Frazier)…” Well Mr. Wilf, some guy in the crowd kept screaming at Robinson….”JESUS CHRIST YOU SUCK” !!! and finally God Himself looked at Loadholt and said “I’m not listening to them talk about My Son like this”, and he quit”.

    (Zigi)……”Rick, He’s under contract. He can’t DO THAT’ !!!!
    (Spielman)……”I told him that and he said “sue me, there’s no lawyers where I come from, but I know a place that’s FULL of them”.
    (Williams)…”What in hell did he mean by that” ?????

    On his way down, free-falling at 35,00 feet, Alan Williams suddenly felt a sensation of freedom, of nobody around him. Very similar to the feeling that enemy receivers get in the Viking secondary.

    Next time….If the Good can’t help you win, then maybe the…

  2. (Zigi)……”All right gentlemen, as you can see,my patience is wearing thin. Rick, you have tried the Incredible Hulk, Gridiron Man and God Himself at QB and we have been blown out….you know my door is always open to you (pointing to fuselage door), so where does that leave us” ?
    (Frazier)….” I say we try Wonder Woman !!!! It would be groundbreaking” !!!!
    (Spielman)…” No, I thought about that but A.P. would have her knocked up before the first practice is over”.

    (Spielman)…..”But I’m coming up with a DEVIL of a plan”………..

  3. The scene…back at the Viking offices, Spielman and Frazier are worried….

    (Spielman)…..”Ok Leslie, time to get serious. We’ve tried the heroes, now maybe it’s time for the villains”.
    (Frazier)…”You’re going to sign the Hamburglar” ????
    (Spielman)…..”NO YOU MORON !!! We need pure evil ! God hates us and Viking fans, it’s plain to see !!!! WAIT ……I can’t see !!!!! I’m BLIND” !!! (sobbing hysterically).
    (Frazier)….”Mr. Spielman, there’s no lights on in here and you have your sunglasses on. Don’t you EVER take those things off” ?
    (Spielman)…”Sometimes in the shower, that’s not important now. What do you know about voodoo and devil-worship” ?
    (Frazier)….”Just what I read in ‘Field and Stream’. But there’s a guy, he writes on VFB, who spent a lot of time in Central America and saw that stuff. He lives in Canada, Nova Scotia to be exact……………..”

  4. A brief interlude here. As you guys can see, I’m on a bit of a roll here because I went over hard on my ankle today and I’m pretty much immobilized. I don’t want to hog all the blog space so let me know if you want me to stop.
    Don’t worry about my leg….I’m putting some rum on it.

  5. (Spielman)……”VFB ?? Isn’t that the site started by that drunken lunatic, Home Care Giver” ?? The one that has a transsexual constantly ‘thumbs-downing’ everyone”?
    (Frazier)….”Close enough. I’m going to call this ‘NovaScotiaVike’ !!!!
    (Spielman)….”Wait !!!!! If it’s long distance, keep it short” !!!!

    Ring….ring…

    (Me)….”Hello”
    (Frazier)….”Hello Nova ? This is coach Frazier”.
    (Me)….”It wouldn’t be if I had any say in the matter”.
    (Frazier)…”We need your help to turn this ship around !! …….Yes….Yes…….Of course…..yes…..Ok…..yes….thanks, Nova “!!!!

    (Spielman)…..”So what’s the story”?
    (Frazier)……”I think we had a bad connection, but he said something like “You two idiots should take a big lick on Larry”and how can that prancer Wobschall keep his job? It must be in code”.
    “But then he said……. one of us must sell our soul if this franchise is ever going to prosper”.
    (Spielman)….”What does ‘prosper’ mean”????/

  6. Gotta get some sleep.boys and girls (you too, Irene). Sorry to leave you on the edge of your keyboards (ha), but I’ll finish up tomorrow, when it will be a contest between my head and my ankle for whichever hurts worse.

  7. Leg feeling much better, so 1 more scene before work….

    The scene….2 days later, in Spielman’s office….

    (Spielman)….”Well Leslie, it’s done. I took Nova’s advice and signed Satan to a 3 year deal, LOADED with incentives !! If he does well he gets the ENTIRE Green Bay cheerleading squad for his place. He says it will make Hell that much more unbearable”.
    (Frazier)….”I CAN’T BELIEVE you would sell your soul to Satan……Will this blog nightmare ever end” ?????
    (Spielman)…..”Only if the author gets back on his medication, Leslie…….Oh, by the way, it was YOUR soul that I sold”.
    (Frazier)….”Bbbuttt………Can you DO THAT” ?????????????
    (Spielman)….”Of course I can. I’m not expendable. That’s why I’m the G.M. and you’re the conch…….er, coach”.
    (Frazier)…..??????????
    (Spielman)……” Plus, I like this guy. He’s got a WICKED arm and he DESPISES the Saints” !!!

    Next, after work……Joe Buck and Troy Aikman with the call @ Cincinnati…….

  8. Well, I want to be optimistic, but the numbers say that we won’t even cover the spread. Vikings lose another home game in embarrassing fashion. Final score 35-24, with the stadium comprised of more Packer fans than Vikings fans before the start of the 4th quarter.

  9. The scene….Fox NFL Sunday studios, December 22nd, 2013……..

    (Curt Menefee)…….”So Howie…who does your laundry” ?
    (Howie Long)…….”My wife does,Curt”.
    (Curt)….”You should ask her to stop ironing the top of your head”.
    (Terry Bradshaw)…..” Yuk, Yuk,Yuk….Snort”.
    (Producer)…..”WE’RE LIVE HERE YOU FOOLS “!!!!

    (Curt) Ok folks,…. Fox is ‘First On The Field’ today in frigid Cincinnati, Ohio where the Vikings are taking on the Bengals and starting the Prince of Darkness at QB.
    Here are your commentators,… Joe Buck, Troy Aikman and Tony Siragusa….

    (Bradshaw)…..”Frigid, just like my 4 ex-wives,Curt !!! (SNORT)……………we aren’t still on, are we” ???
    (Producer starts loading .38 Police Special).

  10. (Joe Buck)…”Welcome to Paul Brown Stadium as we bring in Hall Of Fame QB Troy Aikman to the booth to call today’s Vikings-Bengals match-up…..Troy, the big news is, like Curt said, that the Vikings are starting the Prince of Darkness at QB.
    (Troy)….”The Vikings are starting Al Davis” ?????
    (Joe)…..”No, but I wouldn’t rule it out…..Now lets bring in the 3rd member of our team, Tony Siragusa. And where else would you find the loudest, fattest, most obnoxiously useless sideline reporter on television today ??? …Tailgating with the fans !
    “What’s on the menu, Tony” ?

    (Siragusa)…..”Hi guys ! (chomp,chew,belch). These crazy Bengal fans have bet me that I couldn’t eat half of my weight (chomp,chomp) of this local DELICIOUS DISH” !! I’ve already eaten 200 lbs., (855 kilopascals), only 100 more to go ” !!! “They LOVE me”!!!!

    (Cries of “Take a stroke and die, Tony” in the background).

    (Joe)…..”Don’t keep us hanging, Tony !!! What is it that’s so good” ?

    (Tony)…”Joe, it’s the best corned piranha I HAVE EVER TASTED !!!! From NovaScotiaVike’s best-selling ‘Let’s Corn A Piranha’ cookbook!!!!!

    (Joe)…Ok Tony, we have to go to commercial. What a coincidence that ‘Let’s Corn A Piranha’ is one of our sponsors. Enjoy your corn,…er, fish”.

    (Siragusa, to tailgater)……”Are you going to eat that eye” ???

  11. (Commercial break)

    THE FIRST 10,000 ORDERS WILL RECEIVE,ABSOLUTELY FREE, THESE HANDY KITCHEN SCISSORS !!!!

    “Love to cook but are tired of that same old Piranha ??? How would you like DOZENS of new and delicious South American predatory fish dishes AT YOUR FINGERTIPS ??? ……Order NovaScotiaVike’s NY Times best-selling ‘Let’s Corn A Piranha’ from Amazon.( It’s actually from THE Amazon, 6 live Piranha included)*. Only $149.99 !!!

    Complete money-back guarantee if not 100% delighted !!! Simply send proof of purchase to the Amazon and we will return it !!!!…(The proof of purchase).

    * (Do not get hands or feet near mailing carton).

  12. The scene….. the Fox broadcast booth, seconds from the opening kickoff….

    (Buck)….”Well, this should be interesting ! Troy, the Vikings signing a free agent from Hell…..a desperation move ????
    (Aikman)….”No more so than McNabb……. Speaking of Hell, Cincinnati in December isn’t exactly Bermuda”.
    (Buck)….Every time I do a Viking’s game, I am reminded of that despicable display by Randy Moss in Green Ba…”
    (Aikman)…..”Let it go, Joe. We know you hate the Vikings…….FOR GOD’S SAKE !!!!

    (SATAN GLARES AT AIKMAN FROM THE VIKING BENCH)

    (Aikman)….”I mean…FOR PETE”S SAKE” !!!!!!

  13. *****BREAKING NEWS*****BREAKING NEWS******

    Fox Sports ‘Insider’ Jay Glazer reports that former Viking’s OC Bill (Einstein) Musgrave and DC Alan (Mirage) Williams are ‘neck deep’ in scouting the Mojave Desert area for talent.

    TMZ reports that Fox Sports ‘Insider’s’ Jay Glazer’s head is shaped exactly like a football.

  14. The scene…..Halftime in Cincy….Vikings 42, Bengals 41……….

    (Buck)…..”Close game, eh Troy”………… ?
    (AIKMAN)………….” NO JOE, IT”S A FUC%^$G ONE-POINT HUGE BLOWOUT !!!!!!! JESUS !!!!!!!

    (THE NEW VIKING’S QUARTERBACK THEN WAVES A PITCHFORK AT AIKMAN)

    (Buck)…”But don’t you think that the blocked extr……Troy,…. you just pissed yourself !!
    (Buck)….”Let’s go to commercial !!!
    (Aikman)….”NO !!!! Not another corned piranha ad **!!!!………You’re right, Joe. That blocked extra point by Loadholt is the difference right now. The ball was ruled ‘dead’ when it stuck between his butt-cheeks.
    (Buck)…..”There’s one ‘Game Ball’ I wouldn’t want in my trophy case”..(CHUCKLE)
    (Aikman)….”Just what athletic awards did YOU ever win, Dickhead” ?

    ** Free delivery in parts of central northwestern and eastern southnorthern Bolivia.

    (Editor’s Note)……. I am just adding these insults to Joe Buck at random because he is currently doing the Red Sox-Cardinals World Series games for Fox and, being that he and his late father (a hall-of-fame broadcaster) both love the teams and the city of St. Louis, I respectfully say……

    “Would you be ‘kind enough’ to take a big lick on Larry “??????

  15. The scene….Viking’s ball….2nd and 10 on their own 35 with 3 seconds left…..Up 84-82…..

    (Buck)……”Troy, it looks like the Vikings are about to end a long losing streak and might have found a franchise QB. Too bad he can’t play corner”.
    (Aikman)….”Well, according to ‘football head’…sorry,I meant Fox’s Jay Glazer, Satan would have played both ways in return for Chris Cook’s soul, but his soul was hurt again this week”.

  16. TRUE Story– yesterday I was in Costco and walking past the TVs two sales guys asked “Did they tell you when you walked in what we are offering?” So, I said, “No.” And this rather polished kid probably abt 25 starts off on 2 years of TV blah, blah, blah, and I asked him, “Do you remember when I told you I don’t watch TV?” (which I did a few weeks back). And he said, “No, but I do now?” Then I did add, “Well, I do watch the Vikings” to which he responded, “I’m sorry.”
    Part two later– it gets better

  17. PART THREE – So, the kid (there are three clerks there) tells me he is a Saints fan, to which I bent slightly over, coughed, then put a finger in my mouth like I would vomit. And the other two clerks laugh. It went back and forth a little and then I thought to be the big man, I said, “Well, you do have a quarterback.”
    The clerk replied, ” We have a football team, ” to which the other two clerks went, “Whoa!” So, thinking I had been spat on for my polite gesture of basically praising Drew Brees, I asked the big question. “Do you have a Super Bowl?”

  18. The scene…..Vikings go to a 3-wide set when a kneel-down would secure the win…

    (Buck)…..”Strange formation, Troy”.
    (Aikman, looking at the sky)….”You’re right, Joe. Geese usually fly in a ‘V’ formation.”Those look like Nova’s”.
    (Buck)…..”No….I meant tha…OH MY GOD !!!!! Satan is throwing the ball !!!

    (SATAN, GLARING AT JOE BUCK, THROWS A PERFECT STRIKE TO THE LB)

    (BUCK)…..”And he’s picked off !!!!!! Harrison’s at the 20, the 10 ….TOUCHDOWN CINCINNATI !!!!!!”

    (With 50,000 deliriously happy people screaming in his ears, Frazier approaches Satan at the Viking bench)

    (Frazier)…..”WHY SATAN, WHY !!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TAKE A KNEE” ???
    (SATAN)……” I KNEEL FOR NO MAN “!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (Frazier)….”Good God….”
    (Satan)…..”ENOUGH OF THIS BLASPHEMY” !!!!!!!!!!

    (FRAZIER THEN EXPLODES INTO FLAMES AND STAGGERS ONTO THE FIELD)

    (BUCK)……”HE’S AT THE 15…THE 10…..THE 5…..OH, HE COLLAPSES AT THE 1″ !!!
    (Aikman)….”Typical of the Vikings to come up a yard short”.

    (Rex Ryan, watching the game in the Jet locker room)….”This is better than Sanchez’ butt-fumble” !!!!

    Next….What next ?

  19. ….The scene….Spielman’s office….8 days later, after a season-ending humiliation to the Detroit Lions in which, in an effort to attract fans, the Vikings started Oprah Winfrey at QB…..

    (Spielman)….”Ok Peggy….Check this ‘shopping list’ for next year’s team…”
    (Peggy)…” Let’s see…ol, dl, s, cb, lb, k, p, qb, ls, rb, wr, an entire coaching staff ……”
    (Spielman)…”I think we’re pretty well set at ‘yard markers’..”
    (Peggy)….”You forgot ‘sunglasses’,sir”.
    (Spielman)…”Yeah…what happened to my sunglasses’??
    (Peggy)….”Mr. Siragusa ate them, sir”.
    (Spielman)…”Well, we still have Jared and A.P. And they say that Kuwait is nice in the fall”.
    (Peggy)…”Sir, you traded Jared to Dallas for a case of hair gel and A.P. retired and is now working for ‘Planned Parenthood’.

  20. Epilogue…..

    Tragically, while in Kuwait overseeing the construction of the Viking’s new camel-shaped stadium, Rick Spielman is killed in a terrorist attack on an oil well when his hair catches fire.
    The perpetrator, a Mr. Terry Rist, is immediately inducted into the Viking’s Hall Of Fame.

    7 years later, after winning 5 straight Super Bowls, the Vikings G.M. is also elected into the HOF.
    The G.M.’s name ???……Peggy.

    I just hope I’m still around to see it………

  21. @Nova….totally enjoyed it!!!! Kept me on the edge of my seat!!

    Now for the bad news…..I haven’t doen this all year long……….I bought a copy of titus’ prediction machine off the back cover of a comic book. Damn thing wouldn’t work for me very well. @Titus…how do you keep the prediction machine from smoking and overheating? The damn thing kept giving me Irene’s email and said to look for slow moving turtles?????????

    Fudge Pukers- 42

    Vikes- 17

  22. Well, I am going cycling in a minute, so I better get my prediction in. I will go with 38-34 Vikings (my unofficial is 34-17, them, but I adjusted for my fan loyalty factor).
    OFFICIAL TITUS VIKINGS FAN EXTRAORDINAIRE PREDICTION – 38-34 Vikings
    Ponder throws 332 yards!

  23. I had a bike ride just now– rode within a couple blocks of the dome and looked over from the Mississippi river front and I could feel the vibe of a Vikings Nation Domination! Vikings about to administer a @ss Whoopin on the Packers!

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